Bullies are made

How are bullies made?

Bullies can be created in many different ways. The stereo typical type who takes lunch money and physically hurts smaller kids is just one type.

They are made...they just don't show up one day and decide to dominate the play ground.

A theory of how bullies are made

There is a new Theory by Dr Gordon Neufeld about how they are made that I read in Todays Parent Magazine. Dr Neufeld believes we all have two basic instincts:

  • Alpha- the instinct to lead and provide and 
  • Dependant- the need to follow and seek. 

He believes bullies are created when a child never feels safe being dependant. This causes the Alpha need to go askew. The instinct to dominate is no longer tempered by caring and responsibility. This causes them to meet the only need they can control through dominance and it does not matter to them how...through fear, intimidation, shame etc. Dr Neufeld believes with the right relationships and support this can be corrected.

HOw we parent has an impact

Bullies often are modelling what they learned at home...SORRY, I don't want to put the blame on the parents however, we are their first teachers. We "model" for our children how to behave when angry, how to resolve conflict and problem solve. If our answer to anger is to hit...our child learns to hit. Make sense?? I believe it is not good or bad...it is just a reality which you can begin to change as you model differently for your child.

More possibilities

They are also created as a result of Bullying. If a child is bullied in the play ground and/or at school and there was never any intervention. Meaning he never received any help he may turn around and become a Bully.

This is evidenced in the extreme cases where kids who were bullied bring guns to school and start shooting people. This is an extreme we want to avoid at all costs.

A child can also become a Bully out of necessity. If he is trying to meet his basic needs (food, shelter, warm clothing) and has no other option he can become inoculated against the pain of others and become a Bully to meet those needs.

It is  important to recognize the Warning Signs so we can redirect and assist them to find ways to cope and meet needs without hurting others. Not to punish them and make them pay for what they have done wrong but to make sure they have the skills they need to move forward without the necessity of bullying.

Many of these children would be excellent leaders as the charisma that gets others to help can be put to better use. In order to do this we all need to work together. Anti Bullying starts at home and follows through to school and community.

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